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Grief

Grief

There Are No Rules for Grieving

Grief is as individual as you are. We are all unique, having had different life experiences that make us who we are.

So, I think it is safe to say, each of us will undergo a different grief experience.  There are no rules set in concrete regarding Grief.  In other words, there’s no certain way to grieve, or a certain time when you should be over it and no certain time to move on.

A few tips to help when you are grieving:

  1. Express yourself. Talking is often a good way to soothe painful emotions. …
  2. Allow yourself to feel sad. It’s a healthy part of the grieving process.
  3. Keep your routine up. …
  4. Sleep. …
  5. Eat healthily. …
  6. Avoid things that “numb” the pain, such as alcohol. …
  7. Go to counseling if it feels right for you

Articles on Grief:

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/coping-loss-bereavement-and-grief

https://www.nhpco.org/resources/grief-and-bereavement

Book on griefGriefland https://www.amazon.com/Griefland-Thomas-Nadelin/dp/1257060317

If you are interested in finding a local bereavement support group, look up a hospice program because they offer support groups you can attend free of charge in the community.

I grieved my three (3) sisters-in-law who died of complications from Huntington’s disease for many years.  It was not until I finished writing John & my story & publishing the nonfiction book, Watching Their Dance, did I feel like I had dealt with my grief and found peace.

We Can Never Lose HOPE….

              

Grief, The Marin Siblings

What is Survivor Guilt?

My husband, John, suffers from Survivor Guilt since he survived Huntington’s disease when his three sisters did not.  It’s not uncommon for guilt to arise in grief.

“On a basic level, survivor guilt is exactly what it sounds like: a sense of deep guilt that comes when one survives something.  If you have heard of survivor guilt before what likely comes to mind is survivors of wars, natural disasters or other traumas.  Survivor guilt was actually first documented and discussed after the Holocaust and what has become clear in the decades that have followed is that survivors’ guilt is far more common than was initially understood.”

Articles on survivor guilt

 https://whatsyourgrief.com/understanding-survivor-guilt/ 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-be-yourself/201711/six-tips-handling-survivor-guilt

So when might one experience survivor guilt?

-After causing an accident in which others died
-Guilt for not being present at the time of an accident to potentially save the person who died
-When a child dies before a parent
-Death of a sibling, especially in the case of an illness

We Can Never Lose HOPE……

Author Therese Crutcher-Marin is donating 100% of the profits from her book to Huntington’s Disease Society of America.  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B06ZY85776

 

Grief

Anger, a Natural Reaction to Grief

I have to admit anger started seeping out of my pores when Cindy became symptomatic.  She was the third sister-in-law to fall prey to this monster; Huntington’s disease.  When I started noticing symptoms, I was in denial and ignored it; I didn’t even talk to John about it, but soon it was hard to disregard. As she declined, my anger got worse; I just wanted to take a baseball bat to the monster and make it hurt like I hurt.  What is HD

For those experiencing this emotion, know, anger in itself is a natural reaction to grief and loss; it’s a normal part of grief.  If you are feeling this way, please seek help from a counselor and/or attend a Huntington’s disease support group. 

Article on Grief and Loss             Article on Anger in Bereavement  

Article-griefrecoverykit.com/    3-ways-to-work-through-the-anger-stage-of-grief/

The book, Griefland is written by a friend of mine, it’s a great book, and it’s available at  https://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?keyWords=griefland&type=

Unfortunately, Huntington’s disease causes many losses to a person with the disease; i.e., loss of independence, loss of being in control, loss of a job, etc. Watching a loved one decline may cause anger issues with the care partner/family.

I feel blessed that by writing my story, it was a healing journey, I was able to release the anger I harbored toward HD.

Therese’s memoir/nonfiction book, Watching Their Dance: Three Sisters, a Genetic Disease and Marrying into a Family At Risk for Huntington’s, is available on her author website  http://www.theresecrutchermarin.com   & on Amazon, B&N, & in Kindle, Kobo, Nook, iBooks format.

100% of the profits from the book is being donated to Huntington’s Disease Society of America (HDSA).

We Can Never Lose HOPE………….

                        May is Huntington’s Disease Awareness Month

#LetsTalkAboutHD  #HDAwarenessMonth

#HDSTRONG #HDSAFamily

 

 

 

 

Grief

Anticipatory & Complicated Grief

On April 14, 2008, my third sister-in-law, Cynthia Ann Marin, died of complications from Huntington’s disease.  The main cause of death was cachexia, the general ill health and malnutrition, marked by weakness and emaciation, usually associated with severe disease.  She was fifty-four years old and had fought Huntington’s disease for 17 years.

 what-is-hd/         what-is-hd/#stages       what-is-hd/#scope

For 24 years, John and I had lived with anticipatory grief in our lives; watching each of John’s sisters slowly die from the disease (1984 to 2008). Anticipatory grief refers to a grief reaction that occurs before an impending loss. Typically, the impending loss is a death of someone close due to illness but it can also be experienced by dying individuals themselves. Article on anticipatory grief:   https://whatsyourgrief.com/anticipatory-grief/  

After so many losses in our lives, John and I became lost in complicated grief after Cindy’s death. Complicated grief is acute grief and can become a chronic a chronic, heightened state of mourning. Needless to say, I was looking for a way to begin to heal from my heartache. Article on: The difference between complicated grief and normal grief  

Stay well my friends.  My next blog will continue with the topic of grief and how I dealt with it through the birth of my book, Watching Their Dance.

Therese’s memoir/nonfiction book, Watching Their Dance: Three Sisters, a Genetic Disease and Marrying into a Family At Risk for Huntington’s, is available on her author website  http://www.theresecrutchermarin.com   & on Amazon, B&N, & in Kindle, Kobo, Nook, iBooks format.

100% of the proceeds from Therese’s book sold in the U.S. will be donated to HDSA.  http://www.hdsa.org     Last December, Therese and John donated $9,015.00 to HDSA that was the profit from book sales since Therese published in April 2017.

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Grief

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

When I was working in hospice, our bereavement counselor would offer the book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People to our hospice families.  I have read the book and it helped me cope with the grief that weighed heavy on my heart over the loss of my three sisters-in-law, Lora, Marcia and Cindy.  I love his quote, “Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people, brings happiness.”

Here’s a short synopsis on the book:  When Harold Kushner’s three-year-old son was diagnosed with a degenerative disease that meant the boy would only live until his early teens, he was faced with one of life’s most difficult questions: Why, God? Years later, Rabbi Kushner wrote this straightforward, elegant contemplation of the doubts and fears that arise when tragedy strikes. In these pages, Kushner shares his wisdom as a rabbi, a parent, a reader, and a human being. Often imitated but never superseded, When Bad Things Happen to Good People is a classic that offers clear thinking and consolation in times of sorrow.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_Kushner 

If you’re trying to make sense out of a tragedy, I would recommend this book.

We can never lose HOPE………

100% of the proceeds from Watching Their Dance: Three Sisters, a Genetic Disease and Marrying into a Family At Risk for Huntington’s, a memoir/nonfiction book, is being donated to Huntington’s disease organizations around the world.

To purchase the book, please visit Therese’s website:  http://www.theresecrutchermarin.com and Amazon    B&N     Kindle     Kobo      Nook 

 

Grief

A Criminal Trial

I have been participating in a criminal trial for the past three weeks; the first week dedicated to choosing the jury.  Now that it is over, I HK_Central_Statue_Square_Legislative_Council_Building_n_Themis_swant to reflect on my experience.

The jury was charged with determining if the defendant, Mr. Minchak, was sane or insane at the time he brutally murdered a woman in Roseville, California ten years ago.  The defendant had a mental illness, schizophrenia. You might wonder why it has taken so long to get to this point, as I did. The man was deemed incompetent to stand trial for many years, then last year he was evaluated by a mental health professional and deemed competent. He was tried and found guilty of murder in 2015. He then pleaded insanity.

So another trial was scheduled to determine his mental status at the time of the murder.  I have to say it was very interesting and I learned much about a person with this diagnosis. We heard from expert forensic psychiatrists, psychologists, Roseville police officers, the victims husband, the defendants mother, brother and many others.  To say the least, it was an emotional experience, watching the video from the gas station, as the defendant stabbed the victim nine times and stole her money and casually tried to pump his gas. It’s the most horrific thing I have ever seen.   http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/sacbee/obituary.aspx?pid=17303502

The jury deliberated only for about three hours, and we all agreed the prosecutor proved he was sane at the time.  When the judge read the verdict, the husband dropped his head and cried and the daughter cried out loud. As the jury stood and walked back into the jury room, most of us were crying. I believe justice has been served and I pray the Texiera family can find some closure knowing Tammy has been vindicated.

Have a good day!  Therese

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Family, Grief

Surviving the Heartache & Loss of Huntington’s Disease

I just read about The Empress of Ireland, http://www.sea-viewdiving.com/shipwreck_info/empress_of_ireland1.htm Canada’s Titanic, which sank in 1914 and 365 survived out of 1,477 passengers.  I’m sure there was much urlheartache involved in this tragedy.

Surviving an ordeal, whether its treading water until someone finds you or watching a loved one slowly die, zaps your energy and strength. After the painful or horrific experience, especially a protracted one, one must live with the heartache of the people now void from your life.  John was very close to his three sisters, Lora, Marcia and Cindy, as was I, and we still miss t10011940914_5e94cc9718_chem terribly and grief is still our companion. Even though I understand grief, having worked in hospice for 10 years, it’s very difficult knowing that we will never celebrate birthdays together, sit around a table and share a thankful meal at Thanksgiving and Christmas ever again.  Caring Connections has informative information on grief and loss.  http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3367

The biggest heartache for John and I is that Keith and Vanessa never knew their lovely aunts.  Lora died when they were very young and they didn’t know Marcia when she was well. They only saw her when she had been sc0009977fbeaten down by HD.  The kids loved their Aunt Cindy since she came many summers and stayed with us when they were preteens. Cindy’s last four years of her life was at Beth Shalom, http://www.calqualitycare.org/providers/assisted-living/residential-care/profile?id=317000030 a Residential Care Facility for the Elderly in Auburn where she was very ill.  Vanessa and Keith were away at college during that time and when they did come home it was hard for them to see her as it was for John and I. I know in my heart that they would have been greatest aunts had they lived!

Have a good day!   Therese

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Grief

Moving Forward through the Muck of Grief

Even when life stomps on your heart, life continues and one has to continue living.  My sister, Ellen, will have to go back to work to pay the mortgage, pay the energy bill,  buy food and put gas in her car.  It’s not easy.  She’s lost her life partner, her support person and now she must move into the Winter of her life without Rod.

And bereaved people will get stuck, as I did, when each of my sister-in-laws suffered and died from Huntington’s disease.  I was blessed to work in hospice and have caring people to work with and a loving relationship that allowed John and I to support each other.

Here are some ways to get unstuck from grief:  These are just suggestions.

  • Resume your normal life as soon as possible. Of course, this is the last thing that you feel like doing. How could you? You’re too raw and vulnerable. But it’s the routine, the daily schedule that will help lift you from the black pit of pain.
  • Spend time with friends and family members. – Now is the time when you need to be in the company of others that you are close to. Friends and family members can be the best balm to ease your aching heart. Feel free to talk about your loved. Share stories and laughter and tears.
  • Engage in physical activity. – Vigorous exercise, such as walking, hiking, going to the gym for a workout, swimming, jogging, or playing various games or sports will help you by releasing tension both physically and mentally.
  • Learn something new. – When you involve your mind by learning some new activity or pursuing knowledge – whether it’s a hobby or craft or getting a degree or how to cross-country ski – you are not only helping to overcome grief, you are also gaining knowledge or skill.
  • Take a trip. Maybe you’ve been putting off taking that trip you’ve wanted. Now may be a good time to go. Travel to different places. It can be an extended trip or a weekend, or even a day trip.
  • Meditate or enrich your spirituality. Meditation helps many people to overcome their grief. Others find peace through their religion or by exploring and enriching their spirituality.3445840576_38e681ac85_m
  • Take part in a support group. Grief support groups can be found in your community by calling a local hospice program.  They are open to the community, not just to those who had their loved one in hospice care.

Have a good day!  Therese

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Grief

After Everyone’s Gone and You’re Alone

5017458183_fa84e3f0bf_zMy sister Jennifer and I flew to Virginia on Thursday to support our sister, Ellen, who lost her husband in a terrible car accident on February 3rd.  Jen stayed for the service on Monday and had to fly home to return to work.  I have stayed longer to help Ellen with unpleasant tasks like going to the Social Security office, dealing with the mortgage company and other things on her to-do-list. Ellen has stated she would like to attend a grief support group so I found the local hospice program and, of course, they have bereavement support groups available to the community.  So I will take with her.  It’s times like this, I wish we lived closer.

Have a good day!   Therese

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Grief, Kindness

The New Normal-After A Loss

270428692_00ac009db4_oThe New Normal for my sister, Ellen, having lost her husband, Rod, in a car accident, is something completely different from anything she’s known before.  Her life will never be the same.  I’m sure normal seems far, far away from her. Unless you have lost someone dear to you, it’s hard to understand how difficult this experience is.  So I ask the world, “Please be kind to those who are grieving,” and don’t be afraid to be around them, or call them, or send them a kind note, or send an email saying you’re thinking of them.  It means a lot.

 Have a good day!   Therese

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